Growing Young.

My head has been such a whirlwind environment lately that I've had a difficult time bringing my thoughts and experiences into a communicable format. Too much to write about I suppose. I'll just put one word after another and we'll see where we end up 'kay?

Gates is progressing so well. He is just such a precious little person. I don't think I could ever convey the hundreds of ways I see him changing. His movements have become more fluid and graceful. His personality is developing as he gradually begins to embrace the idea of independent thought and action. He was very threatened by this at first. He ate when Brother ate (not so unusual), went to the bathroom at the same time and played with toys, watched a video, read a book, climbed on Dad at the same time.It doesn't seem that strange in type but when you watch a child read a book and wait for his brother to turn the page so that he can, or have a meltdown because Brother wants to play with monster trucks and he is still enjoying his puzzle as if it requires him to surrrender his puzzle time and play monster trucks because B. did... it's a little unusual. Gates's constant scrutiny annoys B occasionally, "Stop copying me."

It's really ingenius in a way though. Like any older child in his circumstances he learns the language and routines in this new world by mimicing and imitation. On the other hand, he is still institutionally programmed to move from activity to activity en masse with other children. No time or tolerance for independant actions. I am amazed by his tenacity and determination to plow through each day. He is just as strong as we all imagined him to be and yet still so very infant like and fragile.

Bridger is five and he is... well, Bridger. By no means is Bridge insensitive, quite the opposite, but he isn't the most patient guy in the house. Let's just say, the boys are learning from each other. Gates is still learning how to play. He does the 'work' of play and he will copy B's play actions like driving a matchbox car around on the floor while B. does it. But he doesn't engage in play yet. He will still aquire toys many times a day, grabbing them from his brother's hand while poising his hand and fingers as if threatening to scratch him but he doesn't know what to do with the toy once he has it, he'll look at it and toss it on the ground. Nowadays Bridger just holds onto the toy and shouts, "Drop it. I'm playing with it. A little help here?"
The moment a grown up says, "Gates play nice. Get another toy from the box." He shouts,"No."
and throws himself to the floor and begins the rocking behaivor and moans or whines. Then he gets ups and engages in a familiar activity like re folding all of the clothes in his dresser. We're not clear on whether he starts doing chores as a self comforting reflex or as an attempt to earn back the favor he thinks he lost with whatever caused him to be corrected. I know that all children work from the time they can walk in the orphanage. Gates folds clothes better than I do and watching him take his recently discarded play clothes from the bathroom floor and rinse and ring them out in his bathwater after he's done is impressive... but we remain positive that Gates will enter childhood any day now.

Cutie Two Shoes.

We had a fun day today. It's a little quiet as both boys have colds but it's still been a good day. We took the little guys for new shoes a week ago and Gates wore a size eight wide. Wide just cracks me up, his foot is a little over three inches wide. C'mon. How wide is a medium width. I suppose compared with the infants that usually wear a shoe this little his foot may be wide. Ha!
Bridger has done this before obviously but up until recently Gates has worn the little soft sided Robeez shoes in size twenty four months or his sandals which adjust all the way around. He slept with those sandals remember? When I told him we were going to buy new shoes he crouched down and put his hands protectively over each shoe and said, "NOOOOOOOO" You should have seen his face when he realized he would have two pairs of shoes at once. I cried as he cheered, "Oh! Thank You lou (lou always follows thank) Mamma! Two shoes!"

We have a family friend who sells shoes as one of his jobs and he is a fave of Bridgers so since Bridger was so relaxed having James size his foot Gates only took a little convincing to put his foot onto the little steel plate. It took a couple of tries to get him to leave it there while the guides were slid into position. Actually, Daddy ended up doing the actual foot touching while Jame coached from the sidelines until he had the information he needed. Gates is a little suspicious. Who can blame him?

Noise will be noise.

Gates has been highly involved with our fall activities. He has carved a pumpkin (well, gutted it anyway). Since he had such an unsatisfying begining and was grossly understimulated he is majorly sensory seeking. That means he wants to feel it, taste it, bang his head into it, squish it between his fingers... experience everything to the hilt. Bridger is on the other hand, sensory defensive he doesn't like loud noises, trong scents, cannot easily tolerate textures in his food without gagging and doesn't like to wear socks because no matter what kind I buy the seam hurts his feet. Bridger will boldly announce to an empty ladies room, "NOBODY USE THE HAND DRYER!"

This has made for a facinating and often kinda funny bonding experience for the boys. At first Gates would just bang on anything and either whine or sing or shout to fill the void inside of him and to remind himself that he has an impact with his existence... lest he actually be as invisible as he felt. Bridger would go running or yell, "Be Quiet." Now they have been together for four months and when we walk into the ladies room Gates shouts, "Don't worry Bridger. I will save you!" They are already an awesome team just like their sisters were. One's bravery challenges the other, one's wisdom protects the distracted bungi jumper. They bless each other and all of us as well.

In keeping with the fall activities we visited a pumpkin patch where there were a few games and a bouncy house. Poor Gates began to tremble and became very pale as he watched the festivities. I asked, "Are you okay baby?" He pointed to the bouncy house of screaming and to his mind 'trapped' children and wimpered. "Get out! Get out! He saw a bunch of kids in a screened in cage who were screaming with terror. We all sat down in the grass and Bridger jumped around in the grass and laughed and screamed like the kids, then pointed and said to Gates. "They are jumping. Not crying." Gates beamed with a big smile, "Oh." and we saddled up their bicycles and headed off to a calmer side of the park for awhile.

Bridge and Gates are feircely protective of each other whether the threat be a stray butterfly
or scary t.v. commercial. They are so amazing!

Messiah over Momentum.

We took the boys to the park after church today. With a little cooler weather it was such a joy to be out and about together. We loaded up the little ones' bikes and helmets. Stopped for air for the tires and set out.

Once we arrived they were really eager to get on the path. We first had to pay for the parking (there was a line). Unload the bikes and walk the kids to the begining of the path before they could be off on their own. (Close enough for us to reach them of course. Paul and I were walking and Gates is still getting the right side of the road concept so we have to act swiftly should a skater or biker come in sight.) Bridger started peddling and he was having a fantastic time cruising. We came upon a little arch in the path along the boardwalk. Bridge got nervous about what would happen on the other side of the momentum created by that climb. We walked him up reassuringly and instructed him to let the bike coast along for a few feet so it could slow rather than worrying about how to stop the momentum quickly. He went up and once on the other side he coasted for about two feet then put both feet on the ground which caused him to wipe out. Bridger said, "It's better to go up but it's harder and it's bad to go down but it's faster!"

Nuff said? Maybe not. My point is that we've been doing a LOT of uphill climbing around here lately and although we feel in a very big hurry to start moving faster... that just may not be what is best... maybe a gradual drop in pressure is better than crashing. Maybe we need to glide more during this transition and keep our feet out of the way. Paul and I know that by God's awesome grace and unmerited favor, we'll still get out ahead of this 'downturn'. But perhaps in waiting for the Lord to level this mountain... we can avoid the drama of a sudden loss of momentum. Bridger is right, down is faster but up is better. Lead me by the hand, by the hair and by your spirit Lord. Your burden is easy and your yoke is light. Okay now, nuff said.

We enjoyed the day and prayed for each of you as we walked along under the October blue sky
in the big hands of the one who knows us best... and loves us anyway! Hugs, Karrie

Gates's Ortho Evaluation.

Paul and I woke up with tremendous burden for Gates and a fleshly awareness of the difficulties that today's x-rays may present for him as a post traumatized child as well as what the results of these x-rays might tell us lies ahead for him. We are thankful that he doesn't have to face any of this alone... and equally thankful that we don't either. God's peace surpasses human understanding.

The prayers of our loving family in God and name provided a forcefield for us and we knew that God had gone before us in providing this opportunity for Gates with an orthopedic surgeon who has had his eye on Gates since we first received his paperwork. Our little Marie, cherished of God was our link to this Christ following professional and we are so grateful for the opportunities that continue to flow throughout our lives and the lives of our children as the result of God's loving us with other people.

While I was playing with Gates this morning I started to talk to him about x-ray pictures. I held my hand in different positions and used the Chinese words for don't move and laughed saying "Smile hand". Then we pretended to take xrays of feet and legs and my nose. We always counted to five before I moved. I knew once the drama began to unfold was no time to try to communicate this to Gates and restraints just are not an option for him. We continued to pray that God would cocoon Gates's budding trust in us so that he did not close off on us as "one of them", those who couldn't be trusted and who would ultimately hurt him. This is a very likely phenomenon with PTSD and neglected/abused kids. Some advisors felt that we should wait another three months but his growth made it needful for us to seek professional opinion before a window of opportunity such as casting or bracing rather than additional surgeries could close for him. We believed that with the 'checking in' call that came two weeks ago from Dr.s office that
we were being directed to go forward.

Our precious Marie Popkin works in this office and she arranged for lollipops and nixed the white coats for us, arranging Gates to be seen after all other patients had left and arranging with the radiologist to linger on Gates's behalf.

When we arrived the radiologist allowed me in with Gates and left the door open so that Daddy could stand closely by. I was able to cradle Gates with his head resting on my arm so that he never heard that 'crinkly' pillow and the hand that held his knees, his feet and hips were Mammas. There is a certain 'risk' in this as children may do one of two things depending on where they are in the healing process. He might have received comfort with my presence (even at just 12 weeks home, unexpected by the social workers) or he might have disconnected and shut me out causing him further emotional pain and a sense of 'aloneness' that is not easily recovered to 'felt safety' within the relationship. I spoke to him softy in both Chinese and English, he nodded. I counted in the same way as when we were playing slowly to five as we took pictures of his feet and legs then came the part Paul was dreading, lying him back on the table. Paul had witnessed Gates almost dislocating his own shoulder to get away from the scale in China, big equipment is big drama for him. Our social workers said that for children who have been where Gates has been it's like a torture victim returning to the scene of the torture. There is no reasoning with someone that afraid.

God led me gently. I slid the paper pillow further away on the table and I rested Gates's head onto the crook of my arm and I said, "Buie Teng, Bi Dong, I love you." (No hurt. Don't move) then "One. Two. Three." His eyes fixed on mine and there was only one word to describe what I saw in his watery eyes... trust. My heart stopped and God froze time for the two of us. Mother and Son... at last. I kissed his face as she said, "All done." and I said to Gates as I swooped him up, "The end!" he rubbed his face and we grabbed his stuffed puppy and headed for the waiting room. The Dr. came out to us after a few minutes, looked closely at Gates feet and checked circulation and all. We walked him around some and we were told that he is in wonderful condition. He needs no referral to pediatric surgeon or braces or casts. He has a flat foot deformity on the left foot and although his xrays show an 'abnormal' foot (clubbed side) there is no improving the precious working model God provided for him at the hands of some Brother or Sister who donated their time with Love Without Boundaries in providing this one well done procedure to a tiny orphan who needed surgery to be added to the 'hopefuls for families' baby group. Thank you Jesus please bless these awesome people who spend their vacations in developing countries saving lives and futures! Heroes every one of them. So are the people who donated funds to make it possible for these surgeries to take place.

Precious ones, the news is that there are no worries about Gates's growth creating new problems for him. Simply stated, "Gates is free to grow!" We'll see the Dr. again in a year!

Enjoy your week end. I know we will!

Gates at Three Months Home

Hi all,

Gates continues to do very well. After three months home he is really blooming! He is sleeping better, eating better, laughing more and he has stopped hiding food in his clothes! He has grown
nearly two inches and his weight has changed from 21lbs to 27lbs. He is better hydrated and his dry skin is healing nicely. He has a healthy glow and the raspyness in his voice has resolved along with the rickets sweats. With the addition couple of inches of growth he has begun to draw in his right foot a little (which is the clubbed one). We have an appointment with the ortho eval team next week.

Gates can sing all of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" He loves singing to himself. He sings about brushing his teeth or putting on his shoes or having bananas in his cereal. Too cute.

If he gets bumped into or pinches his finger when he crashes two cars together while playing he will run to me for comfort. This is so healthy for him! He is also a little clothes horse. He loves to choose from his dresser full of clothes. He will shake his head to my suggestions and say something like, "Mamma, Cars Movie" which means he wants the applicable shirt. Or he may say he wants Elmo underwear rather than Thomas the Train etc. I never thought about that before he came home... that he may be crazy about his new clothes. Still in 18 to 24 months clothes but his taste is more grown up. Very sweet.

Gates is very sensitive and also very compassionate. If I slip with the hot pad in the kitchen and yelp Gates will rush in from the living room and shout, "What Happin Mamma?!"

Gates LOVES Mickey Mouse and can sing "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse". He LOVES books. All kinds of books and music. Gates mimics our language by repeating a lot of the things his brother says verbatim. Bridger says, "Mamma I'm thirsty. " Gates says, "Mamma I'm thirsty." We call him the little mocking bird and he is asounding us with his ability to learn so quickly.

Thanks for being there for us. We love y'all!

Rainy day at home.

The Boys are still down for their afternoon nap. I think the distant thunder and gray skies is making them less interested in climbing out from under their comforters. Gates is having a 'one step back' day. He's hit and scratched a couple of times this morning and he hasn't done that in more than a week. Bridger just turned around after Gates came at him from the back, picked Gates up carefully under his arms and deposited him right into the time in chair next to Mamma and looked at his brother saying firmly, "Two minutes." Gates whined and rolled around in the chair and Bridger was intentional about watching the second hand on the kitchen clock and encouraging him, "One more minute Gates." then "Fifteen more seconds" I watched fascinated as Big Brother walked over to the chair then picked Gates back up kissing him on the head and said, "I forgive you." Then Bridger tripped on a toy and Gates almost fell. Bridger laughed and Gates laughed too and they were right back to playing again. Seriously, women should be more like guys." I was really proud that even at this young age Bridger chose to correct Gates calmly rather than retaliate with a slug of his own. A little while later Bridge commented, "It's not as much fun as I thought it would be to punnish him. I smiled gently at him and commended him for his compassion. My sweet Boy.

Thanks from Paul.

From Paul:

God did this. He brought Gates home! Thank you for your prayers. During my time in China I was convinced God would get me through the checkpoints, thermoscans and terrifying cab ride to complete my mission... to rescue my Son.

First time I saw his face I saw someone just barely 'holding on'. He was so cute, so precious. I could see under the surface that he would have a great smile. He had that determined look like, "I know you are out there and I'm tired of waiting for you to get here." I prayed this prayer for him every day, "God keep his mind and body protected from abuse that his heart would stay soft enough to love, that his experiences wouldn't harden his heart to the point of no return." That happens, where kids who have been in orphanage this long, 'disconnect'. They just give up inside unable to endure.

Now I know Gates has an awesome smile. I think he has a good sense of humor. He has a strong will and an attitude that's much bigger than he is. He has grabbed my face in both hands and turned my head to something he was pointing at in frustration with the language barrier. I laugh at him a lot. He is very loving and obviously compassionate. He wants to live large and I really appreciate that about him. He's not waiting anymore. He's my Son and I'd do anything for him. I guess you knew that already. Your support means a lot. Thanks Everybody!

So, Here we are at the finnish line together. In another way we're just getting started!


This victory belongs to all of us but the GLORY BELONGS TO GOD!

Take care. Love Jesus. Look out for your families and reach out anyway you can to the hurting and lonely people God brings into your path. I know that's how you guys are by the way you loved this child with us.

Bye for now, Paul Rudd (Father Forever to Chari, Aimee, Bridger and Gates!)

Gates No Longer Waits. New Life. New Blog Too.

We are so thankful for your joining us in this precious one of a kind journey to our precious one of a kind little Chinese born Son! He's a U.S. Citizen now and on his way to a thriving childhood in the hand of the God who saved his life!

If you 'd still like to check in on our family occasionally our new blog address will be:
http://www.ruddpeeps.blogspot.com/

Thanks for joining us in Bringing Gates Home! Tomorrow is last post for Gates Waits.

When we first started this blog our intention was to share this journey to our fourth child and to have a vehicle to share God's glory in making a way where there was no way on behalf of Gates. We knew God would do it and we knew you would be blessed in watching His glory be revealed again and again.

I think we underestimated how much you would encourage us though. Your phone calls, cards and emails lifted our hearts. Your generous donations during these difficult times and the heroic way you rushed to Paul's aide when he was stranded in Los Angeles on the way to get Gates. You joined us on the hills and in the valleys as if it were you yourself! What unspeakable gifts you are to us!

Your prayers to the throne of His Grace lifted us in the midst of the storms when waves of govt. paperwork changes and sluggish fundraising threatened to sink us. Safe in the Harbor of Christ's Hope and encircled by those who chose to anchor themselves around us we found rest.

On Father's Day in China when Gates was ushered into a hotel lobby to meet his Daddy for the first time, God was with us and you were there too. When Gates flew across the oceans resting peacefully, God was with us and you were there too. When Gates was carried off the plane in Ft. Myers in the arms of his Father, our Hevenly Father was with us... and wherever you were that day... you were there too.

Gates is tiny and tough and brave and healing. Gates is home. Thanks.

Today and Tomorrow I will probably post several times. But at some point tomorrow we will sign off on the blog. Paul and I together. We are no longer a family bringing home a new child, we are just a family. A forever family.

Gates.

When Gates is grumpy he pouts with a little face that looks like he just tasted a lemon. I think he's trying to glare at me. lol When Gates is dancing he jumps and bounces off the furniture like Gene Kelly with his feet. When Gates gets his hands dirty he still looks amazed. He has learned that neither playdough nor vanilla extract taste as good as they smell. He knows that when he sneezes with milk in his mouth his Brother will laugh himself off the chair. He can pull down the window shade to roll it up with the wrist action. Gates likes to talk on the phone, he talks and talks while walking around the house pointing things out to his phone companions. Gates loves chewing gum, he doesn't swallow it but he chews with one side of his mounth and smiles like Burt Reynolds. Gates can carry his body weight when it's dirt in a bucket headed for his dump truck or water on the way to make mud. He likes cliche' guy stuff and he's a man's man like his older brother. He will snuggle Mamma sweetly but he will kiss the hood of a Hess truck like it's a long lost friend. Gates loves on the dogs and chases the cat. We're working on that. Gates likes tools and He and Brother wear their hard hats when helping Daddy. Even if he's just measuring. (smile). Gates enjoys jumping on the bed and splashing in his tubby. His first English sentence was "I love you." He and Bridger wake each other up whenever one of them wakes up first. They are adorable together. Gates is a gift of God that we open up new every day. We are so thankful to have him home.

God makes the mountains into roads.

Parenting is constant. It has a begining but no end. Every once in a while you think about a time out though. For me, it's not that I need a break. A break implies down time and reflection. I've never found reflecting on my limitations to be helpful. It's just that occasionally I've become very aware that I'm not prepared for this.

Oh sure, you raise babies into adults and you cook billions of meals and find hundreds of pairs of shoes and set up and tear down scores of birthday parties. You take parenting classes and complete decades of required reading and that lays a kind of preparation for your mind. But what about your heart? As often as my heart beats I think of my kids. I want to do everything I can for them. I like knowing that God does that too, You know the difference between me and God? Yeah. I'm not God.

I can't make this closing deal for my sweet Daughter and Son in Law happen for them in their new house. Yet another hurdle on this twisting track for them yesterday. Paul and I would love to fix it! Bridger and Gates are adjusting great, by all standards of measurement they are experiencing a textbook adjustment phase together. Six time in's before eleven am today. 3 to 3. At this point they are banding together against Mom. It's progress for Butch and Sundance but it's double time for Mamma! lol

We'll all get through it by the grace of God! The best part of 'through' is once you get there... you KNOW it!

Fourth Tuesday Since China!

Hi all. It's four weeks since Gates left China. He continues to gain weight, he is much stronger physically and he is sleeping through the night! He continues to grow closer and even more affectionate toward his Sisters and Brother and He has begun to play in ways that are much more consistent with his chronological age. Paul and I are just thrilled to see so much success so soon for Him!

I am begining to get my groove with a new routine I think. It takes time to mesh the new personalities and needs with the old ones. At some point I think I just remember what the trucker said when a reporter asked him what he thought they should do to fix the highway system in Tampa, he said, "Bulldoze it and start over!" So we're doing a brand new thing.

In the same way you do anytime you welcome someone new and wonderful into your life, you make room. For instance, I learned how to cook for Brian the way he likes once in a while and we added Red Wings Hockey and Central Michigan University foot ball when he and Chari were married. On the flip side, He's adjusted to corn bread (likes) and hoppin john (not so much) on new years and big Southern Hugs. Well, with Gates we have some more complex issues, plus he lives here full time. I am so thankful for this precious time of blending as a brand new family.

It's very important to Paul and I that we participate in these adjustments with our kids. Sometimes that means talking with your (almost) new homeowner child about crown moldings while repairing an axle on a 164 scale nascar racer and pretending to eat plastic fruit. We like it though and it's very important to us that our routine allow for heavy involvement should they need (or even want) our involvement. Tweaking the schedule and leaving wiggle room is imperative.

I need time for muscle warming massages several times a day for Gates as well as taking care of his skin and scars with moistureizers So, obviously I combined the lotion and massage time with an episode of Gates's fave Bob the Builder and I do it while Bridger enjoys a treat of Wii Mario Carts or Playhouse Disney Computer Games with Grandma in the evening. Gates likes really loooong tubby time and Bridger likes to mop the floor and wash the mirror. So Gates gets in his extra soaking time while Brother (helps) and Mom can keep track of both of them. Bridger likes to play in the dirt with his trucks every day and Gates is into that too so they are happy at that together. Sorting out meal time expectations, bed times, play times, how and when we run errands basic stuff. Now that we're getting more sleep it's less of a deal. Gates is fully integrated into our hearts and household we continue to be amazed by how he's made room for each of us as well. Hey, that's impressive after only one month! Ask anybody who does this!lol

Beach Boys!

Bridger wanted a sunset beach picnic on Saturday night. It rained. But we all went on Sunday night and it was Gates's first glimpse of the Gulf. He just stared and stared. When I asked, "Can you smell it?" I saw his tiny nostils flare as he tried to and he nooded. Then he pointed out to the choppy white caps as far as he could see and breathed dramatically, "Mamma!" He waited a while to join in but after watching Bridger dig in the sand and Sister Aimee searching for sea shells he decided to give it a try. Brian and Chari walked up from a little way up the beach to join us in time for the fun. We all made a mess with the ice cream from the Pier Dairy Queen. Thank you Lord! He's a beach baby like the rest of us!

Good Times. Growing Times.

I'm looking forward to Today. Vintage Car Show at Next Level Church to coincide with the "Vintage" series. God's word is timeless. Cool.

Yesterday morning Gates was up before Bridger so we were playing in the living room. Gates pointed toward the bedroom and said, "Bridger Good Morning." I smiled and said, "Not Yet." But once it was long enough to try waking him I let Gates climb up on Bridger's bed. I watched with fascination as Gates kissed Bridger's sleepy face and coaxed, "Bridger!" Then Gates laid his head down on Bridger's comforter which was still wrapped around him and hugged and grinned and hugged some more in what appeared to be sheer delight. His obvious affection got a still sleepy response from Brother, "Hi Gates. Mom can I get up later than this?"

Gates continues to alternate between behaviors of giddy enthusiasm that mimic intense relief and anxious clinging. We are so proud of this brave little Son of ours. We get glimpses of the strong (iron) willed resolve that kept him going while he waited too long in China. We also see on occasion the reflection of tremendous pain in his eyes. He holds my gaze intensely in those moments and I hear the unspoken question, "Where were you?"

These blog posts swing from intense to light hearted and back again because that is where Gates is right now. The see-saw of raw emotion and childlike silliness must be tiring for him. It's unsettling to observe.

He will be zooming a toy car around making his attempt at sound effects that are appropriate (funny story for later) and suddenly it's as if a cloud moved over the Sun and his face becomes serious. He pauses and then throws the car way. I open my arms toward him and he will run to me. I hug him and reach for a picture book to give him some closeness and distraction from the storm brewing in his mind. Sometimes he will start turning pages and chattering about what he sees other times he just sits there. In those moments he will become rigid and lock his arms. I wrap a crib blanket around him and he lays back in my arms looking up silently with a serious little tight lipped expression I've become very familiar with. I kiss his face and whisper sweet nothings in gentle voice tones. Sometimes he shakes his head back and forth which I mistakenly thought at first indicated that he didn't like it but after some experimenting I've since learned that because he is sensory seeking (or grossly under stimulated) he is searching in that movement. When I stroke his cheek with my cheek he will sigh. When I kiss his hair and nuzzle in like you would with a newborn he relaxes in my arms but doesn't move a muscle otherwise as if he is afraid any response will cause this wonderful attention to stop. I will sing little songs and offer him his sippy cup and generally make sure he knows I will sit there all day with him. You can almost see the moment that he works through it. He will point to something in the room as if seeing it for the first time and say, "Neeka Neeka." It's like he snaps out of it as fast as he went into it... after awhile.

His physical strength is obviously progressing. Sensory seeking kids will also enjoy pushing heavy things around. Gates likes doing that. When we were in the store yesterday he wanted to push the buggy with Bridger inside. With guidance he did this for a little while. Then we went to the tool world section (in Lowes buying screws for siding) and I handed them hammers of different weights and types. The mallets, the claw hammers, the crow bar kind. Bridger was sitting inside the buggy and Gates was in the buggy seat in front of me. We examined the hammers carefully and with great interest. Both the boys responded the same way when I would hand them a 20 or 22 hammer (very heavy, most household hammers are about a 7), they would feel the weight of it and smile. Fascinating. Sure, you are thinking "Hhhmmm. Smiling guys in tool world what a surprise." but it's interesting how they really got interested when it became more difficult, when it took more of their concentration... you know?

The Boys were happy to get Happy Meals for lunch and the teeny beenies are a hit with them. When the girls were little the first ones came out in Happy Meals and they had such a wonderful time collecting them with Grandma. It's fun that the boys like it too. The little puppies shown on the side of the box are favorites. They have the 50yr Happy Meal Anniversary Bear, the Penguin, a little red puppy that their Sisters brought home after errands yesterday and the little giraffe who Bridger says has a cute face and that he re named Jack the Giraffe. These fun little friends will be all over the Christmas tree this year.

Okay, so here is the sound effects thing. Bridger is king of sound effect. His hand driven hot wheels trucks have gear changing sounds, corner turning sounds, engine starting and idling sounds and air brake and back up beep sounds all courtesy of Bridger's skilled little mouth. Gates is impressed with this and is trying to make sounds too. Right now though it's very hard not to laugh ourselves breathless when he does it. He flies his matchbox airplanes around and yells. That's it. He yells. "AAAAHHHHHHH!" That's the sound effect. The car sound is currently more like a really loud siren but the pitch never changes, it's just one sound, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
People would run from other rooms, "What's wrong?!"

It's a really blue sky day. Both boys slept through the night and we're rejoicing in that! Lots of chores to do around the house and yard. We're11111111111111 (thanks Gates), having a good morning.

It's afternoon now and I just got back to my blog for today's post. Busy day but lots of family time. The little guys played outside all morning. There is nothing like a little wading pool full of water and a few shovels full of dirt to keep two four year old's busy for hours! There was so much laughter and running and silliness. Paul and Brian were installing new siding on one side of the house where they had removed a side door last week in what is now the boy's room. They had the hammer drills going and all sorts of facinating construction related activity happening. Chari spent a lot of quality time with all of her siblings. We really enjoyed their company and help we also felt a little sad because the original plan for today was that we would be moving them into their new home today. The closing has been delayed and we are all praying for early in the new week!

Gates is using his Chinese less. He is transitioning to more English but rather than mix the two languages he is making nonsense noises and using gestures. It seems as if he is thinking, "why annunciate you people don't understand any way so he has been clicking his tongue and pointing or blowing rasberries and shrugging his shoulders... stuff like that. It's really rather ingenius I think that he has come up with a non language language rather than going the route of being nonverbal which is common during this phase. Our little man just has too much to say to be quiet even if nobody understands his words.

Thanking God this FRIDAY!

The very best part of today in this, "Little Marie is NOT on a plane to Haiti!"
Please relax while I lay out what we've seen thus far in God's provision in this:
Little Marie is only eleven and needs support once she gets back to Haiti. Otherwise she could tragically end up starving and used.
Due to the extreme poverty in Haiti, we had bad and worse options awaiting her in July.
Enter, Beau and Angie.
Beau is a college educated teacher and pastor who was himself encouraged and equipped by missionaries to Haiti when he was young. Beau wants to return to Haiti and minister hope and life. Angie is his compassionate wife who believes that she too is called to return to Haiti and lead and care for women and families in Haiti, she will complete her college education as a registered nurse at the end of this year. Beau and Angie adore Little Marie and have no children. They have welcomed her to grow up in their protection and under their roof in Haiti. They are leaving in January for Haiti.
Little Marie was awarded an emergency extension to her visa. Unknown to USCIS God was using them for his Glory. They gave her until January to return to Haiti. Is there ever any doubt why we praise Him?! It's because HE IS WORTHY!
Little Marie's story sequel will run in the News Press on Monday Morning for Ft. Myers, FL residents.

Good Day. Good Night.

We all had a really good day today. Gates is saying "Bye bye" everytime he passes me in the room as he pushes a toy car across the floor and back. So cute. Earlier he went down for his nap calmly without an upset in his own bed. I said, "Naptime Guys" and they tiredly climbed under their own comforters falling asleep in minutes. Night manuevers had them both a little extra tired. Thank you for your prayers for restful sleep and peace of mind for us all tonight as well.

Gates and I took a ride with Chari earlier, she introduced me to the new Dairy Queen frozen coffee. Gates enjoyed his soft serve vanilla cup. Didn't spill a drop on the drive either. It was raining when we arrived home and Chari released Gates from his car seat and carried him quickly to the door so that they could get under the eve. I followed a little more slowly and Gates called out loudly, "Mamma, Run!" Awwww he cares about me. Good night friends. I love y'all.

Somewhere in the Night.

I've been up all night. Well, some dozing here and there but most of it... I've been up. Poor Bridger is having a rough one. Nightmares of being locked in a car where he can see me with Gates but I can't hear him screaming from inside the car. Bringing Gates home has stirred up his own emotional insecurities and watered that miserable root of rejection from his earlier pain of being seperate and lonely. Seeing both of them hurt throughout the night has me in knots. I kiss, I listen to half hysterical wailing and watch the other one wake and begin to thrash and rock while wimpering with audible misery. I pray and smooth Bridger's hair with kisses whispering to him. "It's not real. You are safe. I love you." He slugs me and shouts, "I don't want you to talk to me." Which translates as, 'I'm still feeling the rejection of that dream when you weren't there for me. I don't want you either.' I know he's still half asleep It's not personal but I feel guilty anyway. Bridger's screaming has Gates searching for comfort as well, again I fall short of the mark in being able to calm him. My eyes burn, Paul is sleeping in our bed and I'm so tempted to wake him but he has to sleep to be safe on the road tomorrow.
Gates has wet the bed and I moved him over to Bridger's while I changed the bedding and then I took Gates to the bathroom where he yelled his head off while I said, "Do you need to pee pee? He's too asleep to stand up so I attempt to sit him on the seat facing the tank and that's not going over well either. Eventually I give up and put him back in his bed. Bridger sits up and says, "What's the big idea?" then he asks me for some milk. When I leave the room to get the milk, Gates starts crying, "Mamma Help!" I stumble back into the room and pick up Gates who still hasn't learned to sit on my hip and I fix the cup with one hand. As both boys finally fall asleep again, I reach for the computer on the bedside table to share with you who are with me in the night. I'm laying on one side of Gate's bed, he keeps pushing me with his feet to make sure I don't go anywhere. I need to trim his toe nails. Bridger used to wrap my hair in his hand while he slept to keep me close when he first came home. I need to let other parents know we're together in this. I know it's unlikely you will read it in the dark but considering you being out there encourages me some how. Gates rolls over and bumps his fisher price puppy and "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" blares. I tense and hold my breath. Bridger remains asleep but when I look over Gates is squinting at the light from the screen in front of me. He rolls back over... now it's "Itsy Bitsy Spider". I set it off by moving it. Who comes up with these ideas for motion sensitive baby toys and why do they hate me?!

Sometimes people don't really get that these children don't just 'snap out of it' when their life changes for the better and they finally get their family. There are structural flaws in their development. physical health and mental processes that will take years to resolve. During the day there are distractions and interactions to keep them busy but the wounds are exposed more vividly somewhere in the night. Healing can be slow but it sure beats the alternative.

Regular Day with God and Gates.

Happy Wednesday All! We enjoyed a lovely day outside. We played soccer, dump trucks were filled and dumped countless times and the Rudd Brothers swam in their plastic pool under Bridger's lemonade-stand umbrella! Now Gates and Bridger are napping and Mamma is blogging and then I get to relax with the prophets for awhile. I'm digging Isaiah this month. So much assurance of God's Power and Mercy in there! Isaiah 42 gives me such a panoramic view. Then I'll switch to sitting at the Lord's feet for awhile reading in John and 1John. It's such detox time for me, you know? The drama of the world around us both real and implied... suffering, the self serving agendas, the disrespect people show toward one another, it builds up inside me if I don't run the clear and perfect word of God's living water through my filters often.

Gates is really starting to blossom like one of Aimee's roses. He is getting used to the routine and the rules (pretty basic not overly burdensome but consistent and inflexible). No hurts. Obey Mamma and Daddy. So now that he has a grasp of what is expected of him and what he can depend on from us he is checking things out. He likes having his own dresser where he can open the top drawer to choose his shirt and underwear and the second drawer to choose his shorts or pants or overalls. He cracks us up the way he tries everything on sometimes but always folds the clothes neatly and returns them to the drawer when he's done. Grandma thinks it's sad how well he can fold clothes.

He prefers shirts with pictures on the front. You know? Like a puppy, teddy bear, race car, truck or something? The other day I pulled out one of his little striped shirts (think Opie Taylor), and held it in front of him. Gates shook his head and pointed to his drawer as if to say, "Try again Mamma." I remembered a page of stickers that Chari brought the Boys when she came by the other day and I showed him how we could put a sticker on the front of his shirt. He liked that. Well now every shirt without a picture must have a sticker. I want to thank Aunt Tracey and Uncle Steve, Miss Karen and all of you who sent stickers in his birthday cards. We received a card yesterday and when Gates looked at his shirt this morning he said clear as a bell. "Mickey Mouse Sticker." patting his chest. I said, "I don't know if we have more Mickey Mouse but we'll find something." I saw Miss Karen's card and I knew she would definitely put stickers in her card. She DID! Thanks to her Gates is sporting a "Woof Woof" Scooby Doo sticker today.

Gates has really enjoyed his birthday gifts. For the monetary gifts, we just lead him to an area of need or developmentally appropriate playthings and he has no problem making selections. He chose a step stool for brushing his teeth and washing his hands in the bathroom. He chose his own matching little towel and wash rag like Brother has. He chose his own beach toys. He chose a little Tonka folding garage with ramps he adores. He loves his new books, tubby toys and soft new clothes small enough to fit him (we weren't prepared for twelve and eighteen months sizes).
Gates is a happy little camper. He says, "I wub oo." and during play he will get up and run to Mamma for a hug and a kiss, flash a beaming smile and go back to his toy, that remarkably to him is still waiting for him, without a fight. Gates is such a great kid. We are four times blessed!

To Love Your Brother You Gotta Like Him First.

Bridger and Gates were just wonderful together today. Bridge has been receptive to Mamma and Daddy's direction in how to insist that Gates shows him respect as older Brother and how he may correct him calmly when Gates reaches for a toy he's already holding or raises his hand to scratch Bridger (very common orphanage responses to other children). Up until this week Paul or I have stayed in arms reach of them at all times, as the presence of protection for them both and to defend the cause of the foundation for their budding brotherhood with one another. It's harder to bond with a kid who is driving you crazy or worse yet physically hurting you. It's also hard to grow and heal if you are caught in the same cycle of miserable orphanage interaction as before you got home.

Paul and I decided that it is time to allow them a few more feet of space as we've seen progress in Gates's responses. But it was very important that we remind Bridger that we are here with him and that we are ready to help them any time they need it. We roll played a few common playtime scenarios and gave Bridger the tools he needed to communicate appropriately with Gates without him having to give in to all of Gates's demands.

As parents we are easily able to correct and control Gates minor behavior issues but we can't get his respect for Bridger. It's up to Bridger to get that and I am so proud of his loving awareness that he has the responsibility to lead Gates into better choices so that he can understand better how family members treat one another.

Just eleven months older Bridger is 50lbs heavier, very bright and compassionate. We felt confident that together we could easily establish Bridger's position of older Brother with Gates. We knew this would benefit both of them and it clearly has. While playing outside, Bridger was using a particular shovel and while Gates was digging with his own, he decided to acquire Bridger's. He reached for it and Bridger held his ground. Gates barked demanding compliance and Bridger calmly said. "Talk nice." Gates reached to push him and Bridger said loudly but with calmness like we'd practiced. "NO. That is NOT acceptable. I'm playing with this right now. You can have it later." Gates sulked and threw his own shovel and whined loudly for a minute or two. I offered him a distraction at that point and he opted to pick up his shovel and join his Brother in loading dump trucks instead. They have been buddy buddy all day! It's as if they are both relieved to have that out of the way. (smile). Bridger has been leading pretend expeditions with his little Brother enthusiastically following along. They sat quietly on the couch reading books together. They sat side by side in the Popsicle chair while eating... well, Popsicles. We know this is just the beginning of their lifetime relationship but we are so grateful for God's blessing in preparing their hearts for one another. May His grace continue to abound in the forging of this crucial bond.

Tuesday's Child.

It's been a busy afternoon, in a slow sort of way. Aimee and I enjoyed some yard work while the boys played in the cool of the morning. Her roses are ready for the promised rains to continue. Brian and Chari await imminent closing on their new home just two month before their first anniversary. Paul will be home soon from his second day back at work after four weeks of family leave to bring Gates home. I can smell the cornbread baking alongside the seasoned chicken and the little guys are snoozing and expected to be up any minute. I have a short time to reflect and connect with you all on where we are as a family this week. I share these details because I love you all and I know God's heart for the families like ours in transition. I have often asked my Lord to make me an encourager, I see this blog as one of his opportunities in my life.

For my precious Mammas to newly adopted children who are home and who are still waiting: I offer my heart and my unlimited support to you. It's not only our new children alone who are recreated in this union but all of us begin again... and again and again. Each new day holds the promise of a miracle.

As for the Rudd family. We are doing very well. Sleep is still at a premium but Paul going back to work full time has required he get his eight hours. (Have I mentioned he drives a 45ft tractor trailer in Naples?) I've willingly been taking the night watch. I am so thankful that Gates doesn't suffer with night terrors every night the way poor Bridger did for years. He wakes often but settles back down with a few soft words and some pats on the back or a leg massage.

I know he's home but I'm still missing him in some ways. I long to meet the child he's never had the chance to be. I search his eyes and face for a glimpse of his passions, his interests, his personal preferences or anything to introduce me to the child that is still waiting... inside Him. Today I rejoiced in several of those glimpses. He is begining to interact more with his environment and his family. Case in point. Gates likes to watch the tour de france while sitting on his bike with his helmet on. Gates doesn't like commercials when he's riding up a mountain. Gates loves bubble baths but can't stand having bubbles on his hands so I stand ready with the dry towel tub side. Gates likes it when we mimic his Chinese songs in our attempts to share with him. He is annoyed when we say, "Ni Hao." rather than "Hi."

In case you haven't noticed, Gates is funny. We really enjoy 'funny' in our family. I think 'wit' is one of our first hopes among our extended family when someone new comes in. Funny kids are more interesting through the terrible twos and know it all fives. Throughout life, funny children brighten the clouds and lighten the load. I SO look forward to watching him open up in the warm sunshine of acceptance and attention, here at home.

Gates's progress report this week:-)

I thought I would just share my Social Worker Update information with you this morning, love y'all.

Spatial orientation is improving:
He will go around an obstacle such as the swing set or lawn chair when running through the backyard in time to avoid colliding with it. While pulling a wagon he can now maneuver it away from something he ran into - successfully - on his own after being shown how to pull it to one side or back it up in this scenario. He continues to reposition the wheels with calm determination rather than hurl himself to the ground in hysterics. He will make the target of his pillow when launching himself onto it. He can successfully jump from his bed to his brother's bed and back again across the two foot gap. (I'm sharing what I've observed, not always what I've initiated. Smile.)
Development of New Skills:
He can now replace a book or dvd case without pulling others out to make room for it. He can get the entire shovel full of dirt into the back of his Tonka truck rather than focusing on this task and dumping the dirt a foot from his mark. He can now stand his sippy cup vertically onto the table top on his own. Before he would lay it on it's side.
Emotional Personal Interaction:
He is allowing his Brother into his peripheral and immediate space without conflict several times a day, without Paul or I ushering him in. He brought a toy to his Brother yesterday and kissed him. Understandably, Brother flinched.
We've observed that Gates enjoys outings and being outdoors so much that these are his best 'teachable' moments. This morning was a great example of this. Paul was coaching Gates to give him a bye-bye hug before he left for work. Gates was already annoyed about (oh who knows, fill in the blank here, (laugh)) So he gave Dad the cold shoulder. Because Paul had a later run this morning he didn't leave until 9am so he got to say good bye to the boys outside, as we all remember 9am is outside time, Daddy carried Gates outside and said "Bye-bye." Gates looked at Paul took his face in both hands and kissed him on the mouth! Too cute!

Gates Waits, learning delayed gratification and rules.

Funny how we are about rules, love 'em for others, not so much for ourselves. Following rules requires our trust in the one who set them up. Trust is defined in Websters 1840's dictionary as, "Fully resting our minds on the integrity of another." Tall order. Open your heart to whatever God is saying to you right now, He sure is talking to me! Trust. No one under reacts to that word:

Gates is entering a new world of security, dependable structure, consistent and supportive interaction... and rules. Being contained in a communal crib or restrained in a chair, high chair, potty chair or walker did not prepare him for independent pursuits. It's as if the whole wide world just opened the doors and yelled,"RUN!"

Sometimes Gates is like a little over wound top spinning, bumping in to things, exploring at an almost manic pace. You can just see his 'fight or flight' response fueling his insecurity. "I have to keep moving. Have to keep experiencing, feeling... rushing because at any moment I could be back there and the door could slam shut leaving me and my pain alone again.

Remember the way he sometimes still holds that fifth bite of food in his cheeks? It's his strategy to stave off hunger in case the source dries up. Sadly, while holding on to that fifth bite he is missing bite six, seven, eight and all he wants. He holds back to hold on. We all know that what he really needs is to let go of his self preservation reflex and trust.

How does an orphan learn to trust? How does a newly adopted Son with an orphan's experience learn to trust? One act of provision at a time. By watching his needs be met before even he is aware of them, before his self protection response launches itself within his mind. We have to be there. God is so present and so able.

Daddy was up early and ready to kiss awake the boys in time to share breakfast with him before he left for his first day back at work. I am blessed by our ever loving God to say that all went smoothly. Daddy was clearly suffering with the impending separation but all were laughing over their cheerios and bananas and gave extra hugs and exchanged blown kisses through the front window until Daddy was out of sight.

Gates was in a big hurry to play outside. He LOVES outside. I knew rain was in the forcast and wanted him to have some time this morning but our rule is for outside play after 9am because the mosquitoes are still active in the grass until it dries up some from the morning dew. Bridger is well versed in this routine and settled in for his 8:30 Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show and played with toys during laundry time for Mom. Gates repeatedly came to me tugging on my hand and wanting to go out. He pointed at the door. I smiled at him and took him to the clock and showed him what nine o'clock looks like again then offered him a toy. He threw the toy and barked at me pointing to the door. I smiled calmly and shook my head pointing to the clock and offering him his sippy cup of formula with his favorite playdough/shape cutters at the table. He got up ran to the couch and lamented to the cushions. Then he promptly sat up as if with an inspiration and shoved his Brother roughly while yelling. Mom picked him up and sat down with him beside me for a 'time in'. With Post Traumatized children you don't use time out as that projects abandonment with disapproval and the goal here is to redirect and discipline for better choices. Rejection he knows, loneliness he knows, fear and intimidation he is too familiar with but a parent who holds him lovingly and waits beside him for his reprieve... that he has not known. So his cycle of negative behavior is disrupted and it's easier to communicate instruction to him.

So, anyway. Our three minute time in wrapped up with him kissing the back of my hand in gratitude. We washed his face and made silly faces at each other in the bathroom mirror and then I sat down to the playdough with him until the clock looked right. Pointing it out joyfully, "It's nine o'clock we can go outside! Yay!" We did that. Gates was all smiles and was totally okay with the rule now that he was outside... at least until tomorrow morning.

Sunday Dinner.

We enjoyed lots of friends and sunshine on the Lord's Day today! It's hard to whine about July heat in Florida when you're spending a couple of hours with missionaries, pastors and immigrants from Haiti. These lovely people seemed undaunted by 94+ with 100 percent humidity. Pastor E. was a joy! I am so thankful for this opportunity to meet him and to personally thank him for his devotion to God in leading the people of Haiti to freedom in Christ. He works closely with missionaries like our friends to establish producing crops and potable water supply. I was honored to be in the presence of such warriors for God!

Little Marie looked beautiful as she always does. I can't begin to describe how I feel about her return to Haiti. We must hold on to the knowledge that God is faithful.

Bridger and Gates enjoyed running around in the grass, hunting pine cones and picnicing under the pine trees on property. Gates handled the standing room only gathering very well.

From Chari Granstra

New pictures from sissy!!!

Life events and hope for the future.

It's hard to believe that Paul's final day of family leave is today. I am so thankful for this time with him as we've been able to work together in drawing in our new Son while better supporting one another as the Lord again recreates our family in His love. Brian and Gates have both joined our hearts in new ways as we embraced the wonderful opportunity to know them as permanent members of our family within the past ten months. Thank you Lord that your constant is change... and growth. We look forward with hope to our future with you.

Gates continues to spend much of his day exploring. His inquisitive zzzzzzzzzzz (and typing) style of coping with change is admirable and keeps us on our toes. We've discovered that he wasn't as much potty trained as incredibly dehydrated so an occasional wet sheet or damp pair of shorts is actually cause to celebrate... it's all in your attitude. Gates is drawn to all things electronic and really enjoys looking through the shelves of beautiful children's books we have. He woke up all smiles this morning. He came to my side of the bed and used a tiny thumb to open my eye, I smiled and he said, "Hi.". "Hi Yourself." "Mamma (tugging on my t shirt) UP!" He has also added to his vocabulary: mine, hey, bye-bye, back-yard, cup, Bridger, Aimee, Chari, Brian, Gramma, phone and he uses the word "Ow" for everything!

We will visit with Missionaries to Haiti and Dear friends at a reception to welcome Haitian Pastor E. this week end. We will also enjoy Little Marie's company for the last time this visit. We are praying for God's mountain moving power to push through an immigration approval for regularly scheduled medical visits here in the states. This precious eleven year old is in for a terrible shock. Due to her lifetime of deafness and blindness communication skills have not yet progressed enough for those who have so lovingly cared for her as their own child to explain what is to come. She will most likely think that she has been abandoned again. If you are not familiar with living conditions in Haiti I assure you this child will most likely be emotionally devastated. We remain confident that the Lord will complete the good work He began in her life. I look forward to sharing with you the gracious provision of God in the life of Little Marie. Her brokenhearted unofficial Foster Mother will escort her back to Haiti on the final day of her original six month medical visa, one week from today. I know we can count on all of you to pray for Little Marie C.

Good news all over the place.

We just left the Dr.s office and Gates is doing beautifully. Dr. mentioned that when the hair begins to grow (and is glossy) that's a great indicator that we're beginning to thrive!!! We could see him opening like a little butterfly right before our eyes it's great to have confirmation from the clinical aspects as well. Daddy did such an awesome job in China and began the foundational journey to health for our littlest Boy.

Gates snuggled with Mamma for hours last night after Daddy and Bridger were long asleep. I'm tired, but it was so worth it. He had me do the 'this little piggies' from foot to foot then he sang these little songs he sings in Chinese while patting my face and putting my hand on his tummy to rub it. While singing he changed all of the words to "Mamma" while keeping the timing and rhythms the same. I cannot express in mere words the depth of my awareness of him in those times. It's like the deep connection that grows with a new Mother and her nursing child. Our eyes meet, he makes little faces and I mimic them back... it's an intimacy called, 'matching'. This occurs easily and without effort when a parent holds their infant but when it is recreated in circumstances such as ours successfully it's a victory beyond description that is such an encouragement to all of us who pray for the wholeness of this sweet and significant child.

Happy Birthday Gates!

Gates had his very first birthday celebration ever today! It was all that we hoped for him. Gates ran through the grass, played on the playground and pitched in his first ever baseball game with his Brother Bridger and Buddies Will and Drew! We had Little Ceasar's Wings (Gates LOVES them) and pizza for the rest of us. Aimee and Bridger made the cupcakes and although Gates didn't know quite what to do with the ceremonial part of his party it didn't take him long to get the hang of unwrapping his gifts! Happy Birthday Little Gates May the Blessings of Almighty God continue to pursue you and over take you, keeping you close to Himself and directing your steps to His glory!

The Next Three Years...

Gates is lying next to me playing with Sister Aimee. He is saying to her, "Hello. Hello. Ni Hao." it's impressive how he is interchanging the correct words with one another already. Very clever little guy! (Parents who are sharing this with their children skip to the bottom while reading out loud)

Gates continues to rock himself very roughly and quickly from side to side at naptime and bed time. This is common among institutionalized or detached children. If you are sitting next to him it seems as if he will throw you off of the bed from the jarring. I get concerned he might separate his shoulder or sprain his neck. It's difficult to watch him mimic the restraints and pull against the imaginary cords that once kept him bound in bed. He also rubs his eyes so hard that he makes himself cry. When he first wakes up he begins the ritual again but I pick him up and distract him as best I can before he assumes he must continue in the bed beyond his nap. He comes around slowly and cries a lot until he 'surfaces' then he is all smiles again. He won't allow himself to be soothed before falling asleep, it's the only way he knows. If Paul or I try to comfort him he points across the room with a look that says, "Go over there. This is how I have to do this." We are praying for peace in his little heart and for healing to continue.
Tomorrow Gates will be four years old. Even though I've only been his Mother legally for a couple of weeks, considering his circumstances on this day four years ago utterly breaks my heart. I am amazed at the way God saves. Today he has hope and a future by the hand of God. No longer a 'foundling' but a Son. No longer alone but in a family of his own. We stand in awe of how God takes the fragmented pieces of our experiences and knits our hearts together in a love that transcends the divisions of this world. Sometimes something beyond natural connections occurs in the love of a family... something supernatural. Thank you Lord, for something to celebrate this year for this precious little boy. Last year we grieved knowing that he didn't even know it was his birthday. He was ours in our hearts at just two years old, on the day we received PA from China, one month and a week before his third birthday.
Paul and I longed to celebrate with him... and this year we will. His life is significant to God and to us. We know, to all of you as well.

(We are back to the read aloud part) We feel honored and blessed to stage Gates's first little birthday party. Other than immediate family, there will be two special guests who: prayed for Him while he waited to come home, who devoted themselves to be his friends before they even met him, who took their own pocket money from their piggy banks to donate toward plane tickets for Gates to fly home. Will & Drew, " May God always bless you with the desires of your precious hearts. We have seen that you love who God loves and that you do what Jesus would do."

New Day... Same Hope.

It's Monday morning and our little boys are happy to see one another! Progress in this precious little buddy bonding issue. Gates was up early. He opened his eyes and I said, "Good Morning." He grinned back at me. He happily got dressed and helped me measure and mix his formula and poured the milk into the warming pan. Then he walked OUT of the room while I stood at the stove!!! It's big news that he was confident to go into the next room without expecting me to take off on him. My tiny warrior was perched on his rocking horse reading a Lightening McQueen book with the spine of the book against the horses mane... rocking and humming. I used to imagine him on that horsey. We bought it for him for this past Christmas.

He drank his milk and ate his banana beside me as I visited for a few minutes with my dear friend Marie P. she was calling to invite us to a pork roast reception festivity to welcome a Pastor from Haiti who is here for a week. Our adorable Little Marie C. must return to Haiti a week from this Friday. Broken hearts all over considering the seperation of this very well adjusted 11 yr old. Please pray for Marie and Rob, they are suffering in their love for this child and in their commitment to bring relief to those in tremendous need in Haiti. May God's Mercy and Justice prevail in all circumstances.

After Marie P. and I said good-bye to one another Gates and I played on the living room floor for awhile. He is doing GREAT at remembering not to throw the books and toys. He still kind of drops them hard but no more getting us in the face when he wants to pass us something. Basic skills like passing something from one hand to another are improving. In his tubby yesterday he poured the water from his empty bubble bath bottle into the cup and got all of it inside the cup! Early motor skills continue to be acheived in other areas as well. He can hold his cup with one hand on each side now. He can stack one block on top of another but not past two yet. Although his mastery at removing things from a shelf one at a time is excellent. You really take things like that for granted but it takes a series of neurotransmitting actions from hand to eye to brain and back to select one dvd box or one book from the shelf at a time. We celebrate the ordinary around here!

When Bridger woke up at 9am he stumbled into the room with his sweet sleepy face and pillow hair grunting at my "Good Morning" in that adorable fourteen year old way of his. It always makes me laugh the way he comes into a room first thing in the morning, He will respond with a growly voiced "Morning Mom." and then say, "It's too light in here!" Gates jumped up and rushed over to the couch where Bridger had seated himself beside me. Gates hugged Bridger and kissed his leg then he looked around the room with obvious intent and found a toy puppy dog in the red bucket toybox that he brought to Bridger. Bridger hugged it and Gates was pleased. Gates then reached for my hand to lead me somewhere. I thought maybe he wanted me to move because he has recently gotten physically in between Bridger and I in an effort to hold my attention to himself alone (as you would the hard one attention of an orphanage care giver). But that's not what he had in mind. Gates led me to the kitchen and pointed to Bridger's red sippy cup, clearly communicating to me that I needed to fix Bridger's morning drink too! Couldn't you just cry with joy?!

Beautiful Day with the Family

We had a beautiful day. Worship time was a gift as we swayed, sang and clapped with the little ones in the last row. As we sung the words, "He can move the mountains. Our God is mighty to save. He is mighty to save." We were overwhelmed. Gates will celebrate his birthday here two weeks from the day they flew out of China... Father and Son at long last! Awesome Indeed!

We will enjoy a one hour birthday party at a shady park a few blocks away on Gates's birthday Tuesday. There will be cupcakes and a cake baked and decorated by siblings as has been our tradition since the girls were babies. It's so wonderful to seen the intentionality and enthusiasm they put into the cake for their sister or brother. We encourage them to choose the flavor and colors and details. Bridger decided that since Gates very often chooses something yellow gold (like a Tonka or construction yellow) over other colors that he should have a yellow frosting with dump trucks and crushed Oreo dirt on top. I'm going to be searching for construction signs or miniature yellow trucks tomorrow.

Gates loved his first taste of homebaked toll house cookies. He didn't want Mamma to put him down long enough for her to mix them though and it took several passes of the bakers hat before they were finally done. He is very clingy and what is referred to as 'anxious attatched' with me at this point. He cries like his little heart is breaking if I walk out of the room or need to powder my nose or something. We are encouraged with his progress. Our social workers are also pleased.

Thank you for your continued prayers. I am saving the birthday cards you are sending for the birthday party so you can 'be there' with us!

You've got Questions? We've got Answers.

Thanks to our Merciful God and Happy Sunday:-) I wanted to share a few things with you as I consider what it means to fully surrender my life and my keyboard to God our Savior. First, I know that we are in the midst of early 'adjustment' but I am having a wonderful time!

Occasionally, I bang my head against the door (on the inside) as I try to sort out the best way to 'be there' for all four of my children in the ways that I want to. They are just such amazing people and I so enjoy participating in all that they want to share with me!

All of us have been somewhat challenged in trying to meet the desires for information on behalf of others while simultaneously huddling in as a new family together. I'm going to address a few of these akward communication scenarios here in this form because attempting to do so in the presence of our children is unacceptable. Thanks for understanding that.

On Child Trafficking. It's a deplorable practice initiated by criminals and untruthfully promoted as common. In compliance with the Hague Treaty for Inter country Adoption both the United States and China are cooperative and have ratified this treaty for the protection of all families and children. The process to prove that a registered child is utterly abandoned is lengthy. The process to allow such a child to be joined with a family outside of the sending country is arduous.
Despicably those who take advantage of an abandoned child by using them for panhandling or slave labor or worse are with us in this world. There are other atrocious acts against impoverished families that also happen infrequently around the world to the benefit of other dark hearted criminals. We in no way enable, condone or tolerate such deplorable and hateful treatment of children. On behalf of every adopting parent I know I would like to state for the record, "Please do not believe the half truths and innuendo regarding the legality of legitimate adoption. Whether it be domestic or intercountry. There are hundreds of thousands of children around this globe who are homeless and desperate. Everyone hear us. Work together for ethical and efficient adoption practices so that more of these children will know the hope of a family and survival. Do not be distracted from their horrendous reality by politically loaded propaganda and inflated statistics. Be intentional be informed. If you want country by country details check out your state department website or the joint coucil for international children's services. Don't be afraid to care and do something to help them. Welcome these children. Support and encourage these families. Celebrate that a life has been saved and a family has been blessed."

On Gates's health and previous living conditions. We have no information on the intentions of those who cared for Gates but yes, he was starved, deprived of normal interaction and restrained. He spent as much as ten hours a day in a crib or tethered. This would have continued at night as well. We cannot comment on why this occurred but we are aware that conditions of extreme poverty, a child's ill health and the impossible caregiver to child ratios in such institutions make it difficult for a child to endure. Often times swaddling and tethering is considered safer for the child. We feel gratitude in our hearts for Gates's survival. I am confident that sprinkled throughout his young life there were some who cared for him. Paul and I choose not to speculate but rather to praise God!

On our adoption process. By the Hand of God, since China travel, our adoption of Gates is completed. It is complete and legal on two continents and resulting in the permanent American Citizenship and Sonship of Mr. William Gates Rudd. All of his identifying paperwork: health records, birth certificate, final adoption decree... all that had to be done was completed for the USA and the PRC before Paul left China. The only paperwork we have at this point is the same as for any other new addition; social security card. If we choose to we can have a 're adoption' or 'state authentication of adoption' done which basically says that the State of Florida formally accepts the jurisdiction of the Federal Government of the United States of America and the People's Republic of China in pronouncing this adoption final. Then they give us a 'certificate of foreign birth'. Many families never bother with this state imposed and expensive formality, we'll do it at some point just because when Gates gets his driver's lic. he's not going to want to deal with waiting for a supervisor to approve his Chinese Birth Certificate and Translation. At least he won't if he's anything like Mamma who will put an item back rather than wait on the price check at the register with people lining up behind me.

Busy Saturday at Home. Gates is gaining strength and confidence in his new home environment. He is of course hesitant and somewhat withdrawn elsewhere but we are so happy to see him settling in a little bit. When he wants to eat between meals and snacks he pounds on the refrigerator door and yells, "Mamma!"

He and Bridger played sharing the same toys for a few minutes at a time twice today without any altercations. Gates did give Bridger a bloody nose during his thrashing routine at nap time though, but that was unintentional. Although Bridge remained cautiously skeptical opting to move to another nap location. I was really proud of both of them all day especially since it was Daddy's first day out of the house since China. He was doing a side job for a friend with a medical practice who needed some wall placements done. It will help since FMLA (family medical leave act) for travel and Gates's adoption will keep Paul close until July 20. We had to submit enough time to cover a possible quarantine without risking job loss. It's nice to give Gates a slower transition to a Daddy-less day. Bridger is in no hurry to let Daddy go yet either.

They played outside in the morning digging with miniature shovels and filling dump trucks and well, dumping them. Gates can just about keep up with Brother across our big back yard even though Bridger's legs are much longer and Gates is still recovering from what is diagnosed as severe rickets. The color to Gates's skin thrills us! His pale face and dry cracked little lips have given way to a glow and baby soft kisses for Mamma's face.

Gates Has the Drive to Thrive!

Gates is up to 25.5lbs! He is drinking his toddler formula great and his interest in food in general has piqued. It's obvious that he is feeling better. He craves touch which is just wonderful for him. He lay across my lap this morning to reach something on the side table and I patted his back. He stayed there for more than ten minutes while I patted his back and massaged his legs. Each time I tried to stop he would turn and grab my hand to put it back. He has been to the store a couple of times when it's been quiet and he likes to push the buggy and drop things into the cart.

Relaxing Thursday My Boys!

Happy Thursday! Gates gained 2lbs since the day he met Daddy! The sunk in cheeks are looking a little fuller with being better hydrated and he repeatedly comes to Mamma and pulls up his shirt for carreses and belly kisses.

I was so thrilled yesterday when Gates took my face in both hands and turned it toward him kissing me on the lips with a little 'pop' sound. Thrilled just isn't a big enough word to describe what I felt. Of course later I saw him kiss his toy plane and a stuffed puppy dog that Sister Chari gave him in Los Angeles... but still... I'll take it!!

Both boys actually completed a project together peacefully this morning. Without the Macaw like sqawking or threatening 'cougar' hand motions. With Daddy they all dug a hole in the back yard, two little shovels and one big one, filling up two dump truck toys and moving the loads from place to place a few times. They thrive on the physical work of play and watching their enthusiasm for the sanbox we laughingly call, "the quarry" due to all of the backhoes, loaders and bull dozers: I can't help but wonder if Rudd Brothers Construction is far off! lol

It's been 96 in the afternoons so they play hard outside in the morning then go back out after dinner. Part of their inside routine consists of book time and table time (sometimes involving playdough, and in Bridger's case making tread marks with different types of tires in it and other times making cookies or decorating cards with stickers and markers etc.).they love indoor games like jumping and running in circles to music or twister that isn't recognizable as the original but helps them with colors, spatial orientation and getting used to having your brother in your face fun time! They enjoy the floor puzzles and assembling their Thomas the Train tracks or building giant lego buildings as well. Sock puppets are a little weird to Gates right now, (smile) he pulls the sock off of my hand and points to my foot as if to help the confused Mamma.

Gates this week.

Today Gates has been home one week! Last Wednesday we were all at the airport! Amazing.

I decided to share some insight into Gates's very early adjustments in moving from forsaken to family with you today.

Our new addition is doing wonderfully. He smiles, he pouts, he eats and he plays. He also throws toys, wants everything he owns in front of him at all times and won't take his shoes off without a fight at bed time. He will screech like a banshee if his brother comes within three feet of him when he has a toy and then seconds later he will be climbing on his brother smothering him with kisses and tries to feed him his bottle.

Gates's early experiences in orphanage have caused him to often reject Bridger's offers of sharing his toys, which is very hard for Bridger. Bridge knows that in the orphanage Gates was bullied, teased and hurt but Bridger has waited such a long time to play on the living room floor with Gates. It hurts Bridge that his little Brother doesn't trust him. He told him yesterday (from behind a piece of furniture after Gates threw a toy at him), "Look Gates. I'm your Brother and I am never going to hurt you okay?"

We stay close on the floor with them during puzzle/book/floor time together and several times a day Paul and I roll play with Gates while Bridger plays happily with Sister Aimee somewhere else. We will touch the toys while Gates is playing and sit close to him reaching for a toy that he is not playing with. We're working to get him to accept peripheral presence without reacting defensively every time. (picture hungry dog over a steak). There is micro progress... it takes time.

When I rock Gates to sleep he will get comfortable and smile softly almost as if we were at peace. Then he will reach up and poke his own thumb into his eye and scream until he falls dramatically asleep, like he passed out. We did away with naptime because I just can't take it twice a day! (smile) Earlier bedtime then Mom cries tears of compassion in a hot shower for a few minutes .

That's just the current bed time routine. We are tweaking the approach for sure. For Gates, at the age of three, it's pretty clear what's going on. I don't have to spell out why he wants his shoes on and everything within sight to you guys, it's basic knowledge for us here, he doesn't want to lose anything lest he lose everything. As for the drama and self injury, he's using common institutional coping techniques. He has a deep root of rejection running under his foundation of mistrust and disappointment in life thus far. After one week home, Gates is happy in the family group but continues to interact as an individual. He is not 'inside' yet. Those truths are frustrating and debilitating for him right now. He's an adorable, sweet, half starved little mess. So very, very precious.

Again, Gates continues to amaze us with how well he is doing! It's really soon but we think having a family is already making a difference. We're just digging up the old foundation to lay down a new one and that always looks destructive even though it's beneficial. Please be encouraged Gates will live and thrive! He is brave and we believe that his little heart remains hopeful and receptive to our love and direction. Our family foundation may be in excavation but when it's poured out new God will make it wide enough and strong enough to hold us all for the duration! Thank you Lord!

In the back yard yesterday I watched Gates with amazement. He was pulling the big wagon with the little trailer on the back that you see in the blog pics, His weight is practically in the negative he is so tiny and skinny but he was pulling that thing across the grass an inch at a time, THEN he started putting more and more stuff into the wagon including another smaller wagon and an old fashioned Tonka Dump truck. Then he couldn't move it at all. He slammed the handle down in disgust spouting toddler Chinese swear words and threw himself to the ground face down too mad to cry. These kids often don't cry though it's all too deep for that. I was riveted and within my heart I asked God, "Why won't he let us help him? Why does he make it so hard on himself that he cannot succeed and then hate himself because he can't do it alone?"

We all do it though, for our own reasons and in our own way... and when we reach the end of ourselves... God is there.

This little piggie went to market...

Gates continues to share his enthusiasm and sweetness with us all. At afternoon naptime I enjoy spending cuddle time with Gates as we quiet down in preparation. Gates will stretch his leg up for me to massage and I do then I play, "This Little Piggie" with his foot. Then he offers the other leg and watches me intently smiling everytime I reach the last little piggie and giggling when I run my hand from his toe all the way up to tickle his neck. This afternoon we made a short trip out for some bottled water for Gates's formula supplements and more vitamins. When we were driving back we said, "Time to go home!" Then when we pulled into the neighborhood we passed the familiar houses and said, "We're almost home!" Next we walked into the house and said, "Yay, we're home!" we played these games with all of our children. You know, to encourage vocabulary and an awareness that home is special to them not just another place. Well, before nap time when I got to the last little piggy pinkie toe I said, "and this little piggie... then I caught a serious look in his eyes instead of the usual playfulness and I stopped. I am not exagerrating when I say he took my hand and kissed it with open lips like a baby would and he said clearly, "Home."

Once he was asleep. I had to come tell you all.

Happy Monday.

Happy Monday! Well it is around our house anyway:-)Gates slept through the night! His little inside clock is set on America time. Daddy is not quite there but dramatically better. Bridger is relaxing a little this morning inside with me and Daddy and Gates are playing outside. Bridger was up a few times with bad dreams about Gates going away again. He climbed in next to Mamma with his favorite pillow and teddy and was back to sleep until morning.

Bridger has been hyper-vigilant with Gates, watching over him like the secret service. lol We are very aware that opening his heart to love someone new is always connected with fear for him. We don't take that lightly but we rejoice in his discomfort somewhat as it makes it clear that he is not guarding his heart where his little brother is concerned. Thank you Lord. Gates is standing next to me eating a banana now. It looks like a record setting banana in his tiny hands but it's not. Big news last night? He started swallowing his fourth bite of food instead of storing it in his mouth for later. He is now able to pass the four bites at a time without Mamma needing to wait a half hour each time. So, this will open up a whole new world. The last time I had a twenty four hour feeding schedule like this I was taking care of a baby bird that had fallen from it's nest in a storm. Do you know how many parents take their child trusting them enough to swallow the fourth bite for granted? Not US!

Paul and I feel strongly that we would be resisting God if we didn't tell you this. We are not special. We have been weak, confused and afraid throughout this entire process and lacking considerably in guts the past two weeks. Our inability to effect change, influence governments or move mountains served as a backdrop of humanity for the Almighty Power of God! It is in our weakness that his strength is proven perfect.

Paul says, "I'm not a hero. I didn't do something you couldn't do. I was just as scared and confused as anybody else. I just showed up that's it. God took me through: one flight at a time, one meeting at a time, one hour at a time. I endured under God's shadow of protection. God acheived." He continued emotionally, "I'm just a man who loves God and my family. I'm willing to do anything. All I had to do was show up and love my kid. God told us that when we welcome a child in his name we welcome him. I knew he was with us in this no matter what critics said or whatever the bank account looked like. When you look at me I hope you think about these kids. God is for the fatherless, we can all do something... we can all show up somehow. It bugs me when adopting families are challenged by others during fundraising with cracks like maybe it's not God's will for them to adopt because the money isn't there Bull, it's always God's will. Always. If you aren't bringing home a child then help someone who is. Pray, write a small check, work a car wash, donate to the yard sale, do something. Little kids got money out of their piggy banks and brought it to us to help Gates. They knew Gates was real before they saw him. We knew God was with us even when it was not evident to everyone around us. We are taking care of our boy here in this house because God is here!"

Karrie says, "I echo everything that Paul just said.

Further, on behalf of the many prospective adoptive families reading this blog, I would also like to add a few things that I've come to learn about the 'negative reactions' of some when they are confronted with adoption. Basically the world hates what God loves so facing critisizm within the process of an international, domestic or step parent/grandparent adoption is a nobrainer.

Do not lose heart. Hold on and dig in. You have front row seats for the glory of God in saving your children.

We will share from our own experiences here. It's a fact that not all of your family members will support you, they may come around in time, they may not, accept it and choose peace. It's true that a few people walked up to our yard sale and made mean comments about us being pro-lifers, further suggesting that our child would have been better off dead. We resisted conflict with them and offered them coffee (Jesus said we need to love the ones that are hard to love). When we chose to bring Gates into the house of God rather than a pagan shrine we were accused of 'ripping him from his roots'. Misinformed comment though since buddhism is not the religion of China, neither is taoism or the shamanism and muslim religions of the region where Gates was born. Atheism is the only legal religion of the PRC.

We believe that Our God is the only true God and that He created, sustained and delivered Gates. We know that He alone is worthy to be his God. We have no problem with being hated for our love at times. Jesus says that 'they' hated him first. No stress about that.

Also strange, someone did walk up to us with our child finally in our arms and attempted to discuss child trafficing. Gates doesn't understand such words... but Bridger does. Try to have a prepared escape plan for such badly timed discussions. Also prepare for a pat response to, "Are they REAL brothers?"

Some are ready to make a stained glass window in our likeness. This misconception is most prevalent in the church community.If we are 'called' or put on a pedestal it makes it easier for those who don't consider themselves to have such a calling to do nothing with a clear conscience. We appretiate the kindness of encouragement in following our Awesome God. But helping orphans and widows are not 'callings' those are on the "You better do it." list.

Are you still reading? This is how we see it.

All of these things hurt because all of them are counterproductive mindsets to saving the lives of hopeless, homeless children." I will state for the record, "We do cherish all life. Our child is better off alive. We chose ethical, licensed and certified agencies (every time) and followed the exhaustive letter of the law to ensure that we were in fact saving the life of a child who was utterly abandoned. We are not exceptional people."

Often as adoptive parents, we're either "Bad Guys" judged ingnorant or "Saintly" judged exceptional. We are neither. We heard of this need. We enjoy parenting. We embraced the journey. We took God at his word. That's it.

We are delighted to proclaim from the house top that by an overwhelming majority our family, community and church, "Get it."

They have loved and worked alongside us to bring Gates home. (our Keller Williams Team, Our family of believers our cousins, grandmas and inlaws our neighbors and friends all over this country) They are close enough to know we are entirely average and they are faithful to give God the credit and us the love! Gates has united us all in the most powerful annointing God gives... the one of adoption.

I'll post again later but the soap box is packed away... for now:-) ((((HUG))))