Learning to Let Love In

Tomorrow will be seven months home. Gates is growing in so many ways. I can tell you more about who he is at this point now rather than just what he does and what he likes. At Four years and six months old Gates is guarded and more than a little manipulative, but that's what kept his head above water in the old days in the hospital in Lanzhou. It will take some time before he loses some of his self protective posturing. If we say, "Yes." It's all skipping and smiles. If we say "No." It's anything but. We're consitent and calm though and his rages are really more about his fear that if he isn't in charge he won't be taken care of, than they are about actual anger. It's expected and along with the obvious connection he is begining to develop to us there is an equally obvious attempt to protect himself from getting too attached. Case in point. He nearly nodded off in the carseat on the way home from a long, happy bike ride in the park today. I reached in and picked him up then held him close as we walked up to the door. He leaned in against me rather than holding his back straight and avoiding close contact like he usually does and I kissed the side of his face by his ear. He pulled back and looked me square in the face then slammed his forehead into my nose as hard as he could. No, I didn't drop him. I did cry a while though. I know his rejection isn't personal but self defensive in his mind... but like a smack in the nose, it still hurts.